She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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