Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you inspire me to be a worse person
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
