Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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