Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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