I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
