when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
