I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
