@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
All I want is dick and wine.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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