Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
