I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
