Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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