I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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