Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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