Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize