I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
