Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
