My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
