is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
