I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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