he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
