WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
