I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
