she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
