drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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