I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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