i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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