he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
