We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize