I met the friendliest cop last night
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
