I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
