At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
