I think im going to throw up on grandma
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
