She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
