Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
