An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
this just has baby written all over it
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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