May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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