Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
