this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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