'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
