i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
