I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
