Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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