i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
