VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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