Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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