i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
