god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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