Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
