We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Randomize