Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
