I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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