so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
