in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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