You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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