We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
