how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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