I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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