the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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