And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
