he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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