I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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