break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
