he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
